Notes

For the past two or three years, I have been taking my health a little more seriously. Going to the gym, walking more, and trying to control my diet.

I have been pretty consistent with the gym and walking, but I have consistently failed at the diet part. And that is probably the biggest reason I am nowhere close to where I wanted to be with my fitness goals.

I come from a foodie family, and trust me, Butts in Pakistan are famous for eating a lot.

Every time I set myself a goal, things go well for a week or two. Then comes the urge for that smashed burger. Or those Milka biscuits full of sugar. Or some random 700-calorie junk snack. Or that pizza from my favourite Egyptian restaurant.

And most of the time, I end up eating it, only to regret it a few minutes later.

I have been stuck in this loop more times than I can remember. I set a goal, go to the gym, try to eat healthy, lose control for a few days, regret it, and then start again.

For a long time, I saw it as a lack of discipline, and it probably is.

But recently, it reminded me of something I heard a lot growing up in a Muslim family and society: Jihad-ul-Nafs, which means fighting your own self.

I had heard the term at home and at school, but never really understood what it meant.

How do you fight yourself? You cannot be your own enemy. You obviously want the best for yourself, so what does fighting yourself even mean?

But I think I finally understand it through this cycle of failure and starting again.

There is one version of me that wants discipline, health, and progress. The other wants comfort and momentary pleasure. Both are trying to pull me in their direction, and I have to fight my own self to make sure the right one wins.

Fighting an external enemy or obstacle can be easier. You have something in front of you to beat. An antagonist you can push against.

But when both the good and the bad live within you, how do you fight your own self?

And that, as it turns out, is one of the hardest battles a person can fight.